The Calm Before the Polar Storm

The year was 2000, the begining of a new millenium. I was officially a sophomore in college at Cal State University San Marcos. Life was great, I was finally going to a four year school after spending what seemed like a lifetime touring the local Junior colleges in San Diego, C.A. I was also working part time for a 3M distributor selling production supplies to the Autobody industry, and surfboard industry in San Diego. However about a month later unfortunately my Grandmother who I loved very dearly was diagnosed with cancer. I decided to move in with her, and help her with here daily routine, shopping, making bank deposits, etc..... After about three months of this I became rather acclimated to this routine, and it really didn't seem to stress me out too much. Besides I was helping my grandmother out which made me feel good.

After successfully completing my first semester at Cal State San Marcos, I decided to focus on growing my sales territory in the San Diego, Northcounty area. To make a long story short that summer I broke every record previously held on that route which had been in existence for over twenty years! I was having these grandiose feelings in which I had never previously experienced before. I felt like nothing could stop me, I was invincible, and often times could get by on four hours of sleep a night, when in the past I required at least eight. However who was I to complain, the money was great, and I felt like I was on cocaine 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Unfortunately the "Cocaine High" didn't last forever, and the only difference between the "powder", and the "Polar" was I didn't quote have any more polar.

It was late August whne it was back to school for my fall semester at Cal State San Marcos, however this semester I wasn't all that enthusiastic about starting school. I felt horrible, and I couldn't figure it out. It was as if everything which once made me happy, no longer made me happy. I was extremely irritable, and found myself sleeping whenever I had the chance. On top of that my route which was very seasonal began to slow down, only making me feel even worse. I didn't know who to turn to or what to do...I was scared! I decided to schedule an appointment with my primary care physician, and told him how I was feeling. I told him I couldn't focus, I was paranoid, I was having trouble sleeping, or I slept entirely to much. My doctor prescribed Paxil for me, the first antidepressant I would ever take in my 23 years of life. It was a hard pill to swallow, I felt ashamed for having to take this pill, hope. I couldn't tell anyone, my friends, family, etc..no one. What would they think of me if they knew I was taking an antidepressent I thought to myself?

After being on the medication for a month my depression slowly subsided, however there were side effects. I had always had a pretty healthy sex drive, however now it was completely nonexistent. Literally Cindy Crawford could of propositioned me, and I probably would of cared less. This really frustrated me so I decided to call my doctor and discuss this with him. He told me "Ryan theres side effects associated with all antidepressants. After that conversation which sadly I was extremely misinformed, I decide to quit taking Paxil cold turkey. Everything was okay for the next month or so, however once again I found myself feeling miserable. Great I thought to myself now I have to go back on Paxil, and have no sex drive what so ever once again. I went back on Paxil, and once again the depression slowly lifted, and ofcourse my sex drive ceased to exist. This wasn't the answer I though to myself there has to be a drug out there which wont affect my sex drive, make me sweat horrribly, make me feel like I'm getting electrical zaps to the brain, blackouts, hot flashes, and one which didn't affect my appetite.

Once again I scheduled another appointment with my doctor, and was very honest with him. I told him Paxil Sucks, I hate it, and I don't want to take it anymore. I told hime please I'm begging you tell me there something else Doc. He told me he was going to prescribe Welbuterin for me another anti depressant which doesn't normally have sexual side effects. Great I though to myself, now were getting somewhere. After being on Wellbutrin for about a month, I knew it wasn't for me. My Mind was all over the place, and I was talking faster then I normally do which is hard for many close to me who will read this to believe! So I took myself off the wellbutrin, and basically just threw in the towel for a couple months after that. Life went on however, it was very difficult. School was pretty rough considering the fact I was Communication major, and was forced to talk in front of my fellow class mates when I was depressed. My route was okay thanks to my efforts the previous summer. However my depression started to get really bad around my 24th birthday. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I had no motivation, and thought to myself get used to it this is how lifes going to b for you. I remember calling a friend up who smoked alot of Marijuana, and asked him if he would sell me an eighth about $50.00 dollars worth of marijuana. He said sure cruise on over, and I'll have you high as a Kite in no time. It's not like this was the first time I had smoked Marijuana, infact nothing could be further from the truth. I rolled my first joint when I was in the ninth grade, so smoking weed was no big deal to me.

After arriving home from my buddies house I pulled out my favorite pipe, and started smoking like there was no Tomorrow. I remember telling myself this feels alot better then the way I've previously been feeling. I was smoking a steady eighth a week while in school, and decided to go back on Paxil. Looking back on it now as I write this I think Marijuana acted as my mood stabilizer, much like Depacote, and lithium do for those who suffer form Bipolar. There were also a couple other benefits associated with smoking Marijuana for me while taking Paxil, I had a sexdrvive, and a healthy appetite. I want those reading this forum to realize right now, I'm in no way shape or form advocating marijuana as a mood stabilizer for those who suffer from Bipolar. At that particular time in my life I was Bipolar I just medically had fallen through the cracks of our medical system, and wasn't properly treated. I do believe however that marijuana saved my life, oddly as this may sound it gave my mind peace at times when it desperately needed it.

My 25th birthday was pretty comparable to my 24th, a steady diet of Paxil which I would go off, and on again regularly along with some dope. However my 25th birthday was a hell of a lot more difficult then my 24th. birthday. My grandmother who I had been helping to take care of passed away. Both my Grandmother, and Grandfather were both now gone. They were, and will always be huge pillars in my life. The reality that they were now both gone was sureal, so I smoked myself into complete oblivation. I didn't want to deal with it, so I pushed it aside, and continued to smoke. I did however have my fun that summer, I took myself off Paxil completly and had alot of fun with different women if you know what I mean. Towards the tail end of my summer I met a girl who now looking back at age 26 was a blessing in disguise. I fell madly in love with this girl real fast, too fast. We were living together down by the beach in SanDiego after only dating each other for about three months. I was on Paxil, and still continued to smoke my fair share of weed. My girlfriend was really supportive in reference to my depression initially, and thought it was largely attributed to my Grandmothers death. I decided to quit my job my senior year in college, and just simply go to school, smoke weed, and spend time with my girlfriend. My girlfriend broke up with me in April 2002, and I was pretty depressed at first. However I felt reasured we would eventually get back together so initially I wasn't to worried about it. However when we didn't go down to San Felipe, Mexico for spring break together as originally planned I knew that was probably the begining of the end.

I ended up going down to San felipe, Mexico with a buddy of mine, and my cousin. We had an awesome time, and it gave me the opportunity to cleanse my self of my exgirlfriend. However the last day in San felipe while walking through town, I ran into my exgirlfriend. Obviously it brought back all these emotions from the previous year, and we decided to go out together that night. To make a long story short we ended up sleeping together that night, and then the entire weekend once we both arrived back in San Diego. I thought great now were going to get back together, and everything's going to be great. How wrong I was, she informed me three days later that she didn't "want this anymore" and that was it we were done.

The next two weeks were pure Hell! I have never felt so low in all my life..never! I couldn't eat sleep, concentrate, etc...I was a mess. To make matters worse I had taken a huge financial hit in the Stock Market, and I had an overwhleming twentyone college credits to contend with in school. I was also forced to go back to work, as a result of the money I lost in the Stock Market. Somehow I made it through those two weeks working and going to school. As I write this I have no idea how I did it, it still seems overwhelming to me as I sit here visualizing how I felt. Two weeks later was the "Polar Storm", the one I had never experinced before. I was driving to school, still depressed, however going to my classes. when I arrived at school I saw my exgirlfriend in a car with another guy. I remember feeling sick to my stomach, however I still got out of my car, and started walking to my class. All of a sudden however I became extremely paranoid. I started sweating horribly, and

found myself not being able to focus. I turned around and headed for my car. I got into my car, and that's when I lost it! I still to this day dont remember the drive home from school to my Studio down by the beach. Once I arrived I called my Mom, and told her what was happening. She call Psyciatric services, and they told her to bring me to the hospital immediatly. Once I arrived at the hospital, the therapist proceded to ask me a bunch of questions, which at the time I didn't feel like answering. She decided it was in my best intrest to go immediatly to a psychiatric ward in SanDeigo.

When I first arrived in the pshyiatric ward, Ididn't know what to think. Here I was 25 years old, about to graduate college, and I was in a psychatric ward with some pretty troubled indivduals. There were people talking to God, people proclaiming to be Jesus Christ, people pacing around the ward like they were strung out on Crack, people fighting...I hope you get the picture it wasn't a very fun place to be. I was lucky however, based on my symptoms the staff moved me to a differen't ward which resembled the Marriot. However I cold of cared less, I was tired emotianaly, and physically, and just wanted to sleep. The next three days were prettty much a blur, I slept about twenty hours a day. My Mom would come and visit me during visiting hours, and I barley had enough strength to talk to her. On the forth day, I think the meds started kicking in, so I got out of bed and went down to the cafeteria for some nourishment. I talked to one of the counslers there while I ate for the first time in three days, and discussed with her how I was feeling.

I told her to tell the nurses to "Get off my ass", about not going to grouth theraphy sessions. I mean how the hell was I going to go to group theraphy sessions when i could barely get out of fucking bed. She then told me that if I didn't comply with the program they would have no other discourse but to discharge me from the hospital. This conversation we were having really agrivated me, so I told her" I want to talk to my doctor". I told my doctor, doctor Flox, an excellent doctor here in SanDiego, C.A, that this counsler was "riding my ass" about going to group therapy sessions when I barley had enough strength to get out of bed. I remember him telling me dont worry Ryan, I'll handle this, and after that I never once heard from that counsler again. You need Doctors like Doctor Flox in you life, a doctor who cares, one who's going fight for you. Anyway after three more days I decide to go home, with my bag of medications and all.

Doctor Flox initally put me on 200mg of Wellbutrin, and 1000mg of Depacote. He also gave me trazedone for sleep. What can I say, I screwed up, hey I admit, the wellbutrin made super wired, and the trazedone made me feel lke I had a 12pack the night before, while being hit by a train at the same time! So instead of calling my doctor, I completely took myself off all the medications once again.......how foolish I was.

I made it through the semester, and had two classes to take in summer school before I would officaly graduate college with my bachelors in Communications. I enrolled in a Spanish class, and decided to start taking Prozac dont ask me why, for I dont know why. Around the third week of my summer school class I started feeling really weird. I was sweating all the time, I was paranoid, I couldn't focus, I was geting horrrible headaches, basically I was a mess once again. I started thinking about all the differen't ways in which I could kill myeself. I probably would of killed myself, if it wasn't for my Mom she told me verbatum "Ryan if you ever killed yourself my life would be ruined". Dammet I thought to myself what the hell, am I going to do. I cant kill myself, becasue If I do my moms lifes going to be ruined. On the other end of the spectrum, I'm tired of feeling like crap everyday I thought to myself, what discourse should I take. I went to Spanish class the following day, and remember how crappy I felt. I was extrmely paranoid, and I felt comprable to how I felt before my last "Polar Storm" After arriving home from school I called pshyiatric services and explained to them exactly how I felt. I told then I didn't want to live anymore, Iwas tired of feeling this way, and that I just wanted out.